Socksey's Proper and Improper Jokes

[socksey]

Just in case the subject  ever comes up about who really should be in the land of Israel this will have a  good point of view.

Israeli Sense of Humor at UN

An ingenious example of  speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly which  made the world community smile.  A representative from Israel began: "Before  beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses.  When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a  good  opportunity to have a bath!  He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.  When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had  vanished.  A Palestinian had stolen them."

The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking  about?  The Palestinians weren't there then!"

The Israeli  representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will  begin my speech."

[RickrInSF]

hmm, so.... who should be here in the land of the American Indian?

[stog]

on a Native American reservation

"What are the guys in the big suits doing?" an old man asked

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon.

The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, NASA called a official government translator. He reported that the moon message said: "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."

[dorbel]

A recent survey among native Americans found that 33% were in favour of Americans quitting Afghanistan, 46% thought that Americans should leave Iraq, but almost 95% thought that they should get out of America.

[stog]

hoya
A Senator was touring a Native American reservation. To start things off, the Senator made a fine speech full of rosy promises of better things. "We shall see," he said, "a new era of opportunity." To this, the audience gave a ringing cry of "Hoya, hoya!" Encouraged by the cheer, the Senator continued, "We promise better schools and better hospitals!" "Hoya, hoya!" the audience cried once again. Beaming with pride, the senator ended his fine speech by saying, "Trust us. We have only your best interest at heart." The air shook with a long, mighty "Hoya, hoya!" Greatly pleased by the reception, the senator then began making his tour of the reservation. When he asked if he could inspect the reservation's cattle, his guide answered, "Certainly, come this way. But be careful not to step in the hoya."

[socksey]

 

[socksey]

Two  90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.

When  it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited  her every day.

One  day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing  women's softball all our lives, and we played  all through High School. Please do me one favor:  when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me  know if there's women's softball  there.'

Rose  looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said,  'Barb, you've been my best friend for many  years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this  favor for you.'

Shortly  after that, Rose passed  on.

A  few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound  sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a  voice calling out to her, 'Barb,  Barb.'

'Who  is it', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is  it?'

'Barb  -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're  not Rose. Rose just  died.'

'I'm  telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the  voice.

'Rose!  Where are you?'

'In  Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good  news and a little bad  news.'

'Tell  me the good news first,' said  Barb.

'The  good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball  in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who  died before us are here, too. Better than that,  we're all young again. Better still, it's always  springtime, and it never rains or snows. And  best of all, we can play softball all we want,  and we never get  tired.'

'That's  fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest  dreams! So what's the bad  news?'

'You're  pitching Tuesday.'

Life  is uncertain - eat dessert first.   

[socksey]

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.  They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.  He takes her hand and she responds, ' Don 't touch me.'

'Why not?' he asked.

She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'

The husband asked...'What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!'

She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.'

He insisted, 'You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?'

'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'

[socksey]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of `em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter

[socksey]

Ever see a leg try to steal a bone???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TR6TVOXOcxM#

[socksey]

I think ya'll will like this one.

 






                                          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4j_9IQ6wzk#

[socksey]

Boudreaux left Breaux Bridge, Louisiana and leased an apartment in Baton Rouge.  He went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.  Boudreaux smiled at the young woman who smiled back at him and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.  Poor Boudreaux broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment.  I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment.  She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.  Now nude, she purred at him, showing her erect nipples and a totally shaved, as Boudreaux called it, "public area",

"What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered, embarrassed and slightly stuttering, Boudreaux finally squeaked out is a cajun voice, "It's gott to be your---your ears!"

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural!  I work out every day!  My butt is firm and solid!  Look at my skin, no blemishes anywhere!  How can you say the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, Boudreaux stammered,"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming?  Dat was me."

[socksey]

Here's a cute one, and I'll dedicate it to RomeoBravo!   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlM85h3MZF4#

[socksey]

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2010/09/13/cute-baby-laughing--hysterically.aspx

[socksey]

Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have.

I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me, It was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago,I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.  My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse as well!   

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.

And then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!

Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again,for having a great product.Well, gotta go, I have to write to
The Hefty Bag people.

[socksey]

This is tooooo funny!   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wFhSbJWWZM#

[socksey]

Italian Golfer    

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape.  I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.  I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be  more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a  walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive.  He's Italian and  he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nono's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather' s still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!!  Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?

[socksey]

Dedicated to sunray...................

senior center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'CRAP!' said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.

[socksey]

Here's a great song coutesy of sixtie!  The Atheist Song/Steve Martin!  Enjoy!:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFWA1A9XFi8#

[socksey]

I was fortunate to see the Bolshoi Ballet Company perform in San Francisco once, and although they have been considered the best, this is beyond that!  All I can say is BRAVO!

Bringing some culture to Fibs, I present:

http://www.nzwide.com/swanlake.htm

Enjoy!