Socksey's Proper and Improper Jokes

[socksey]

The Attorney


A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.


"My Rolex!"   

[socksey]

I've always liked Steve Martin and this is one of his best!  Enjoy!   




Steve Martin - "Flydini" - '87 - HQ

[socksey]

This is a hoot!!!  Make sure you watch it until after the credits....

click:

http://vimeo.com/user4110239/bob-film

[socksey]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.  However, as  she  was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,  "Hang up  the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied. 

[socksey]

This is really funnyyyyyy!  Even funnier if you're Italian!

John Pinette "France & Italy"

[socksey]

You're gonna love this one!  ))

http://www.toilette-humor.com/christmas/christmas_balloons.shtml

[socksey]

 

http://www.jogstrap.com/

[socksey]

This is my neighbor:

She's single...

She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door... I rushed to open it. She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"








MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!

[socksey]

Abbott & Costello - Unemployed vs. Out of Work





COSTELLO : I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .



ABBOTT : Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.



COSTELLO : That many people are out of work?



ABBOTT : No, that's 16%.



COSTELLO : You just said 9%.



ABBOTT : 9% Unemployed.



COSTELLO : Right 9% out of work.



ABBOTT : No, that's 16%.



COSTELLO : Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.



ABBOTT : No, that's 9%...



COSTELLO : WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?



ABBOTT : 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.



COSTELLO : IF you are out of work you are unemployed.



ABBOTT : No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.



COSTELLO : BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!



ABBOTT : No, you miss my point.



COSTELLO : What point?



ABBOTT : Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.



COSTELLO : To who?



ABBOTT : The unemployed.



COSTELLO : But they are ALL out of work.



ABBOTT : No, the unemployed are actively looking for work...  Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.



COSTELLO : So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?



ABBOTT : Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!



COSTELLO : The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?



ABBOTT : Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?



COSTELLO : That would be frightening.



ABBOTT : Absolutely.



COSTELLO : Wait, I got a question for you. That means there're two ways to bring down the unemployment number?



ABBOTT : Two ways is correct.



COSTELLO : Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?



ABBOTT : Correct.



COSTELLO : And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?



ABBOTT : Bingo.



COSTELLO : So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.



ABBOTT : Now you're thinking like an economist.



COSTELLO : I don't even know what the hell I just said!



And now you know why unemployment figures are improving!

[captainmubbers]

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "Wat's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f***ing broke." Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same." Bloke replies, Yeah I know, but "Broke's my dogs name."


A Bloke sat on my bus and a gorgeous bird next to him starts breast feeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says "Come on,eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man" Ten minutes later,babys still not feeding so she says again "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man" Bloke says "Listen love,can you make your f**king mind up,I shoulda got off 4 stops ago "


A Penguin takes his car to the garage and the mechanic say's "come back in one hour and I will tell you what is wrong with it" so the penguin goes off, and to kill time the Penguin buys himself an on ice cream... one hour later he returns to the garage, the mechanic sez "it looks like you've blown a seal" the penguin replies "no, no, I just had an ice cream"

[socksey]

Just a simple little experiment...............

Home Made Gun Powder

[captainmubbers]

A slight variation on the beer and champagne joke you shared earlier, from an Englishman's perspective..........

THE PERFECT DAY – FOR HER

8.15   Wake to hugs and kisses
8.30   Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday
8.45   Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and warm croissants; open presents – expensive jewellery from thoughtful partner
9.15   Soothing hot bath with aromatic oils
10.00   Light work-out at gym with handsome personal trainer
10.30   Facial, manicure, pedicure, shampoo, condition and blow-dry
12.00   Lunch with best friend at trendy outdoor cafe
12.45   Catch sight of partner's ex and notice she's put on weight
1.00   Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3.00   Nap
4.00   Three dozen roses via interflora, anonymous sender
4.15   Light work-out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work with such a perfect body
5.30   Choose outfit from very expensive designer wardrobe
6.00   Parade in front of full-length mirror
7.30   Candle-lit dinner for two followed by dancing, compliments received from other diners throughout the night
10.00   Hot shower (alone)
10.50   Carried to bed (freshly ironed, crisp white linen)
11.00   Pillow talk, light touching and caressing and cuddling
11.15   Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY – FOR HIM

6.00   Alarm
6.15   Blow job
6.30   Massive satisfying dump while reading sports section
7.00   Breakfast; rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all prepared by naked buxom wench
7.30    Limo arrives
7.45   Several whiskeys en-route to airport
9.15   Flight in personal jet
9.30   Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club (blow job en-route_
9.45   Play front nine (2 under)
11.45   Lunch; Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12.15   Blow job
12.30   Play back nine (4 under)
2.15   Limo back to airport (several whiskeys)
2.30    Fly to Monte Carlo
3.30   Late afternoon fishing excursion, all female crew (nude)
4.30   Land world record Marlin (1234 lb) on light tackle
5.00   Fly home, massage and hand-job by naked beauty
6.45   sh**, shower, shave
7.00   Watch news...Gary Glitter assassinated, porn legalised
7.30   Dinner; Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon 1953, big juicy fillet steak, followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9.00  Napoleon brandy and sit in front of wall sized tv watching International Match Of The Day, England beating Germany 11-0
9.30   Sex with 3 women, all with lesbian tendencies
11.00   Jacuzzi with said females, tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale or two
11.30   Night cap blow job
11.45   In bed alone
11.50   A 12 second fart that changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
12.00    Fall asleep

[socksey]

You will love it as much as I did!!!       



http://www.wimp.com/swimmingpiglet/

[socksey]

This is no joke, but a must see!  Do have your hankies on the ready.   

http://youtu.be/41IS2OKqq1w

[socksey]

Automation gone wrong...................

http://www.youtube.com/embed/xWMkOwq2qIU?rel=0

[socksey]

   
   
http://geraldo.bei.funpot.net/d.php?&id=a361ad9ea51e69a3


Beethoven's Fifth like you've never heard before!    You might not want to show near children..........

[socksey]

In  a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who  was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her  turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the  bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover  she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much  to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.  With little smile to the driver, she  again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was  standing  behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!  I  don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,  "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends." 

[socksey]

The Lie Detector

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.

He decides to test it out on his son at supper. "Where were you last night?"

"I was at the library."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK I was at a friend's house," the son admits. "Doing what?" asked the father. "Watching a movie: Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK it was porn!" cried the son. Father yells "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother.

[captainmubbers]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

[captainmubbers]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads to the docks once more for old times' sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, " How am I doing "?
The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about 3 knots".
"Three knots!" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean ?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back "!