Socksey's Proper and Improper Jokes

[captainmubbers]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,"Here's to spending the rest of me Life,between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".

[captainmubbers]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling

Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasssh on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging
Out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
Missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy sh**! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

[captainmubbers]

Old man:    Whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get upset.  How do you manage to control your temper?

Old Man's Wife:    I just go and clean the toilet

Old Man:    How does that help?

Old Man's Wife:    I use your toothbrush

[captainmubbers]

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year,

And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,

" Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

But you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

[socksey]

Hell of a Day

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home.  I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop the cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve knowing I only had 8 hrs left to live, and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!  But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

[socksey]

The  Wonder of it All:

  1.  The sport of choice for the urban poor is  BASKETBALL.

  2.  The sport of choice for maintenance level  employees is BOWLING.

  3.  The sport of choice for front-line workers is  FOOTBALL.

  4.  The sport of choice for supervisors is  BASEBALL.

  5.  The sport of choice for middle management is  TENNIS.

  6.  The sport of choice for corporate executives and  officers is GOLF.

  THE  AMAZING CONCLUSION:

  The  higher you go in the social structure, the  smaller your balls become.

  Therefore,  one might conclude, there must be a ton of people  in Washington playing  marbles

[socksey]

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into
a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his
eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt
to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong
with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked
woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you
sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you
tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if
you're not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what
are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am,
I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking
to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping
de money to pay for dis ride?

[captainmubbers]

see attached pic

[captainmubbers]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[socksey]

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.  She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?  Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

[socksey]

The Commuter and the Cell Phone


After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Eric. I’m on the train.”

“Yes, I know it’s the six-thirty and not the four-thirty, but I had a long meeting.”

“No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss.”

“No, sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life.”

“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart.”

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, “Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer. . .

[socksey]

Most of you may have seen this by now, but just in case, remember these people are among us! 

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-20000176-504083.html

[captainmubbers]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."

[socksey]

Santa on Trial, courtesy of SinnerSaint:

http://www.blogsire.com/myblog/funny-blogs/santas-ho-ho-ho-leads-him-to-defend-himself-in-court/

[captainmubbers]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local
church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps
falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What
should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I
will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to
you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the
leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this,
the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones
nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?"
he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones
again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As
he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs.
Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him
his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that g*******d
thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up
your ***!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.

[socksey]

  The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table..
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that bj I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

[socksey]

This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.

What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

The Beretta Jetfire:

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of no where. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took.......the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection.........

[stiefnu]

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano it was time for the Star of the Show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, twinkling as the lights were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke.
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"sh**!" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the place.

[KissMyAss]

A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with
another woman.
With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting
sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the
back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice and then secured
it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's
saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop ! Stop ! You're not
gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's
hand and said.......
"Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!"

[KissMyAss]

Little Old Lady In Court...

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Old Lady: I am 94 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! '
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.