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Socksey's Proper and Improper Jokes

Started by socksey, June 08, 2010, 05:15:00 AM

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socksey

Just in case the subject  ever comes up about who really should be in the land of Israel this will have a  good point of view.

Israeli Sense of Humor at UN

An ingenious example of  speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly which  made the world community smile.  A representative from Israel began: "Before  beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses.  When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a  good  opportunity to have a bath!  He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.  When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had  vanished.  A Palestinian had stolen them."

The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking  about?  The Palestinians weren't there then!"

The Israeli  representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will  begin my speech."

RickrInSF

hmm, so.... who should be here in the land of the American Indian?

stog

on a Native American reservation

"What are the guys in the big suits doing?" an old man asked

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon.

The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, NASA called a official government translator. He reported that the moon message said: "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."

dorbel

A recent survey among native Americans found that 33% were in favour of Americans quitting Afghanistan, 46% thought that Americans should leave Iraq, but almost 95% thought that they should get out of America.

stog

hoya
A Senator was touring a Native American reservation. To start things off, the Senator made a fine speech full of rosy promises of better things. "We shall see," he said, "a new era of opportunity." To this, the audience gave a ringing cry of "Hoya, hoya!" Encouraged by the cheer, the Senator continued, "We promise better schools and better hospitals!" "Hoya, hoya!" the audience cried once again. Beaming with pride, the senator ended his fine speech by saying, "Trust us. We have only your best interest at heart." The air shook with a long, mighty "Hoya, hoya!" Greatly pleased by the reception, the senator then began making his tour of the reservation. When he asked if he could inspect the reservation's cattle, his guide answered, "Certainly, come this way. But be careful not to step in the hoya."

socksey


socksey

Two  90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.

When  it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited  her every day.

One  day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing  women's softball all our lives, and we played  all through High School. Please do me one favor:  when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me  know if there's women's softball  there.'

Rose  looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said,  'Barb, you've been my best friend for many  years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this  favor for you.'

Shortly  after that, Rose passed  on.

A  few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound  sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a  voice calling out to her, 'Barb,  Barb.'

'Who  is it', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is  it?'

'Barb  -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're  not Rose. Rose just  died.'

'I'm  telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the  voice.

'Rose!  Where are you?'

'In  Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good  news and a little bad  news.'

'Tell  me the good news first,' said  Barb.

'The  good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball  in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who  died before us are here, too. Better than that,  we're all young again. Better still, it's always  springtime, and it never rains or snows. And  best of all, we can play softball all we want,  and we never get  tired.'

'That's  fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest  dreams! So what's the bad  news?'

'You're  pitching Tuesday.'

Life  is uncertain - eat dessert first.   

socksey

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.  They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.  He takes her hand and she responds, ' Don 't touch me.'

'Why not?' he asked.

She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'

The husband asked...'What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!'

She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.'

He insisted, 'You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?'

'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'

socksey

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of `em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter

socksey


socksey

I think ya'll will like this one.

 






                                          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4j_9IQ6wzk#




socksey


Boudreaux left Breaux Bridge, Louisiana and leased an apartment in Baton Rouge.  He went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.  Boudreaux smiled at the young woman who smiled back at him and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.  Poor Boudreaux broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment.  I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment.  She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.  Now nude, she purred at him, showing her erect nipples and a totally shaved, as Boudreaux called it, "public area",

"What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered, embarrassed and slightly stuttering, Boudreaux finally squeaked out is a cajun voice, "It's gott to be your---your ears!"

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural!  I work out every day!  My butt is firm and solid!  Look at my skin, no blemishes anywhere!  How can you say the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, Boudreaux stammered,"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming?  Dat was me."

socksey



socksey

Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have.

I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me, It was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago,I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.  My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse as well!   

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.

And then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!

Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again,for having a great product.Well, gotta go, I have to write to
The Hefty Bag people.

socksey


socksey

#16
Italian Golfer    

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape.  I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.  I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be  more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a  walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive.  He's Italian and  he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nono's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather' s still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!!  Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?

socksey

Dedicated to sunray...................

senior center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'CRAP!' said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.

socksey

Here's a great song coutesy of sixtie!  The Atheist Song/Steve Martin!  Enjoy!:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFWA1A9XFi8#


socksey

I was fortunate to see the Bolshoi Ballet Company perform in San Francisco once, and although they have been considered the best, this is beyond that!  All I can say is BRAVO!

Bringing some culture to Fibs, I present:

http://www.nzwide.com/swanlake.htm

Enjoy!


socksey

#20
This reference is from another Fibber, Carolina_Blue.  Thx, CB!   :laugh:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjrvhybCkL0#

socksey


socksey


socksey

Here's another goodie that maybe I should label R-Rated for language:

Corey Taylor - X-M@$

socksey


socksey


socksey



socksey

#28
I am intimately familiar with all of these!

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of bio mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.












socksey

These are great!  It's best to watch them in order.   :laugh:  But, if you are planning a cruise, maybe you shouldn't watch these at all.   ;)

video 1:

Extreme Rough Sea - Cruiser Roll Motions


video 2:

Fancy a cruise anyone !!


diane

OMG...I'm cruising New Caledonia in 22 days.... :blink: :blink:

The first video was done in the Pacific ocean..I'm doomed... :laugh: :laugh:
Never give up on the things that make you smile

socksey


socksey


socksey


socksey


socksey

Boudreaux, the Cajun

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker, was assigned the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% signup rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these low-income recruits $30 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux directly about his selling techniques, but instead he would sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, 'If you got da normal GI inshoranse an' you go to Iraq an' git yoself kilt, da governmen' gonna pay you beneficiary $20,000.  If you take out da supplemental inshoranse, which cost you only t'irty dollar a mont, den da  governmen' gotta pay you beneficiary $200,000.' 'NOW,' Boudreaux concluded, 'which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq furst?'

socksey


maria

Quote from: socksey on June 14, 2011, 10:44:55 PM
I think maria will love this one!

http://wimp.com/scarything/

Yep, loved it.  Think I originally saw a link to it at DailyGammon's discussion board and immediately put it on my Facebook page.

socksey

This is a really old one that I found while doing my spring cleaning in summer!  I thought it might be worthy of reviving.  ;)


Twelve Monks

Twelve monks were about to be ordained.  The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden, while a nude model danced before them.

Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction.  She proceeded down the line with the same response until she to to the final monk.

As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground.  Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and then all the other bells began to ring...........

socksey

The Attorney


A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.


"My Rolex!"   

socksey

#41
I've always liked Steve Martin and this is one of his best!  Enjoy!   :lol: :lol: :lol:




Steve Martin - "Flydini" - '87 - HQ

socksey

This is a hoot!!!  Make sure you watch it until after the credits....

click:

http://vimeo.com/user4110239/bob-film

socksey

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.  However, as  she  was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,  "Hang up  the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.
 

socksey

This is really funnyyyyyy!  Even funnier if you're Italian!

John Pinette "France & Italy"

socksey


socksey


socksey

This is my neighbor:

She's single...

She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door... I rushed to open it. She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"








MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!

socksey

Abbott & Costello - Unemployed vs. Out of Work





COSTELLO : I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .



ABBOTT : Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.



COSTELLO : That many people are out of work?



ABBOTT : No, that's 16%.



COSTELLO : You just said 9%.



ABBOTT : 9% Unemployed.



COSTELLO : Right 9% out of work.



ABBOTT : No, that's 16%.



COSTELLO : Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.



ABBOTT : No, that's 9%...



COSTELLO : WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?



ABBOTT : 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.



COSTELLO : IF you are out of work you are unemployed.



ABBOTT : No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.



COSTELLO : BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!



ABBOTT : No, you miss my point.



COSTELLO : What point?



ABBOTT : Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.



COSTELLO : To who?



ABBOTT : The unemployed.



COSTELLO : But they are ALL out of work.



ABBOTT : No, the unemployed are actively looking for work...  Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.



COSTELLO : So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?



ABBOTT : Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!



COSTELLO : The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?



ABBOTT : Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?



COSTELLO : That would be frightening.



ABBOTT : Absolutely.



COSTELLO : Wait, I got a question for you. That means there're two ways to bring down the unemployment number?



ABBOTT : Two ways is correct.



COSTELLO : Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?



ABBOTT : Correct.



COSTELLO : And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?



ABBOTT : Bingo.



COSTELLO : So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.



ABBOTT : Now you're thinking like an economist.



COSTELLO : I don't even know what the hell I just said!



And now you know why unemployment figures are improving!

captainmubbers

#49
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "Wat's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f***ing broke." Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same." Bloke replies, Yeah I know, but "Broke's my dogs name."


A Bloke sat on my bus and a gorgeous bird next to him starts breast feeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says "Come on,eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man" Ten minutes later,babys still not feeding so she says again "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man" Bloke says "Listen love,can you make your f**king mind up,I shoulda got off 4 stops ago "


A Penguin takes his car to the garage and the mechanic say's "come back in one hour and I will tell you what is wrong with it" so the penguin goes off, and to kill time the Penguin buys himself an on ice cream... one hour later he returns to the garage, the mechanic sez "it looks like you've blown a seal" the penguin replies "no, no, I just had an ice cream"
Riding on a high and windy day

socksey


captainmubbers

A slight variation on the beer and champagne joke you shared earlier, from an Englishman's perspective..........

THE PERFECT DAY – FOR HER

8.15   Wake to hugs and kisses
8.30   Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday
8.45   Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and warm croissants; open presents – expensive jewellery from thoughtful partner
9.15   Soothing hot bath with aromatic oils
10.00   Light work-out at gym with handsome personal trainer
10.30   Facial, manicure, pedicure, shampoo, condition and blow-dry
12.00   Lunch with best friend at trendy outdoor cafe
12.45   Catch sight of partner's ex and notice she's put on weight
1.00   Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3.00   Nap
4.00   Three dozen roses via interflora, anonymous sender
4.15   Light work-out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work with such a perfect body
5.30   Choose outfit from very expensive designer wardrobe
6.00   Parade in front of full-length mirror
7.30   Candle-lit dinner for two followed by dancing, compliments received from other diners throughout the night
10.00   Hot shower (alone)
10.50   Carried to bed (freshly ironed, crisp white linen)
11.00   Pillow talk, light touching and caressing and cuddling
11.15   Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY – FOR HIM

6.00   Alarm
6.15   Blow job
6.30   Massive satisfying dump while reading sports section
7.00   Breakfast; rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all prepared by naked buxom wench
7.30    Limo arrives
7.45   Several whiskeys en-route to airport
9.15   Flight in personal jet
9.30   Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club (blow job en-route_
9.45   Play front nine (2 under)
11.45   Lunch; Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12.15   Blow job
12.30   Play back nine (4 under)
2.15   Limo back to airport (several whiskeys)
2.30    Fly to Monte Carlo
3.30   Late afternoon fishing excursion, all female crew (nude)
4.30   Land world record Marlin (1234 lb) on light tackle
5.00   Fly home, massage and hand-job by naked beauty
6.45   sh**, shower, shave
7.00   Watch news...Gary Glitter assassinated, porn legalised
7.30   Dinner; Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon 1953, big juicy fillet steak, followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9.00  Napoleon brandy and sit in front of wall sized tv watching International Match Of The Day, England beating Germany 11-0
9.30   Sex with 3 women, all with lesbian tendencies
11.00   Jacuzzi with said females, tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale or two
11.30   Night cap blow job
11.45   In bed alone
11.50   A 12 second fart that changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
12.00    Fall asleep
Riding on a high and windy day

socksey


socksey

This is no joke, but a must see!  Do have your hankies on the ready.   :yes:

http://youtu.be/41IS2OKqq1w

socksey


socksey

   
   
http://geraldo.bei.funpot.net/d.php?&id=a361ad9ea51e69a3


Beethoven's Fifth like you've never heard before!    You might not want to show near children..........

socksey

In  a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who  was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her  turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the  bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover  she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much  to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.  With little smile to the driver, she  again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was  standing  behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!  I  don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,  "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends." 

socksey


The Lie Detector

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.

He decides to test it out on his son at supper. "Where were you last night?"

"I was at the library."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK I was at a friend's house," the son admits. "Doing what?" asked the father. "Watching a movie: Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK it was porn!" cried the son. Father yells "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother
.

captainmubbers

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
Riding on a high and windy day

captainmubbers

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads to the docks once more for old times' sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, " How am I doing "?
The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about 3 knots".
"Three knots!" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean ?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back "!
Riding on a high and windy day

captainmubbers

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,"Here's to spending the rest of me Life,between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".
Riding on a high and windy day

captainmubbers

#61
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling

Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasssh on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging
Out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
Missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy sh**! My girlfriend's gone, too!!
Riding on a high and windy day

captainmubbers

Old man:    Whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get upset.  How do you manage to control your temper?

Old Man's Wife:    I just go and clean the toilet

Old Man:    How does that help?

Old Man's Wife:    I use your toothbrush
Riding on a high and windy day

captainmubbers

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year,

And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,

" Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

But you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
Riding on a high and windy day

socksey

#64


Hell of a Day

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home.  I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop the cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve knowing I only had 8 hrs left to live, and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!  But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

socksey

The  Wonder of it All:

  1.  The sport of choice for the urban poor is  BASKETBALL.

  2.  The sport of choice for maintenance level  employees is BOWLING.

  3.  The sport of choice for front-line workers is  FOOTBALL.

  4.  The sport of choice for supervisors is  BASEBALL.

  5.  The sport of choice for middle management is  TENNIS.

  6.  The sport of choice for corporate executives and  officers is GOLF.

  THE  AMAZING CONCLUSION:

  The  higher you go in the social structure, the  smaller your balls become.

  Therefore,  one might conclude, there must be a ton of people  in Washington playing  marbles

socksey


A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into
a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his
eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt
to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong
with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked
woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you
sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you
tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if
you're not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what
are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am,
I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking
to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping
de money to pay for dis ride?

captainmubbers

Riding on a high and windy day

captainmubbers

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Riding on a high and windy day

socksey

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.  She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?  Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

socksey

The Commuter and the Cell Phone


After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Eric. I’m on the train.”

“Yes, I know it’s the six-thirty and not the four-thirty, but I had a long meeting.”

“No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss.”

“No, sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life.”

“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart.”

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, “Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”


Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer. . .

socksey

Most of you may have seen this by now, but just in case, remember these people are among us! 

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-20000176-504083.html

captainmubbers

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."
Riding on a high and windy day

socksey


captainmubbers

#74
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local
church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps
falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What
should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I
will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to
you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the
leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this,
the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones
nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?"
he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones
again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As
he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs.
Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him
his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that g*******d
thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up
your ***!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
Riding on a high and windy day

socksey

  The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table..
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that bj I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

socksey

This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.

What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

The Beretta Jetfire:

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of no where. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took.......the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection.........

stiefnu

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano it was time for the Star of the Show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, twinkling as the lights were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke.
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"sh**!" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the place.

KissMyAss

A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with
another woman.
With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting
sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the
back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice and then secured
it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's
saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop ! Stop ! You're not
gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's
hand and said.......
"Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!"
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."  -  Bilbo Baggins (at his 111th Birthday party)

KissMyAss

Little Old Lady In Court...

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Old Lady: I am 94 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! '
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."  -  Bilbo Baggins (at his 111th Birthday party)

socksey


Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

Man: 15 years.

Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So where's your f***in' Ferrari?

socksey

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

-----Husband's Diary:

A two-foot putt..........who the f**k misses a two-foot putt ?"

socksey

Against his better judgment, the big game hunter is talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions.

It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe.

One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search.

He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling. Soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion.

The wife whispers urgently, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing whatever," responds her husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it."

stiefnu

In a Tottenham church on Sunday morning a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar." 
 
With that, Leroy got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
 
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." 
 
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then  prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm. 
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy how is your hearing now?" 
 
Leroy answered, "I don't know.  It ain't 'til Thursday."

KissMyAss

There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.

No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."

The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.

On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"

Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."

"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.

"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"

"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."

"Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.

"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"

"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.

"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.

"Nope 34" replied the man.

To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would squish your testicles against your spine and you'de get a headache".
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."  -  Bilbo Baggins (at his 111th Birthday party)

KissMyAss

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, Begora, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I've quit drinking......!
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."  -  Bilbo Baggins (at his 111th Birthday party)

KissMyAss

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.

The Maid quit.

Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.

~The Asian Persuasion~
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."  -  Bilbo Baggins (at his 111th Birthday party)

socksey

#87
An oldie but goody.   ;)

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman he ever saw boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business.  I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.  Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" "

"Well", she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.

socksey

#88
OVER FIVE THOUSAND YEARS AGO MOSES SAID TO THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL, "PICK UP YOUR SHOVELS, MOUNT YOUR ASSESS AND CAMELS, AND I WILL LEAD YOU TO THE PROMISED LAND."

NEARLY 75 YEARS AGO (WHEN WELFARE WAS INTRODUCED) ROOSEVELT SAID"LAY DOWN YOUR SHOVELS, SIT DOWN ON YOUR ASSESS, AND LIGHT UP A CAMEL.  THIS IS YOUR PROMISED LAND.

TODAY CONGRESS HAS STOLEN YOUR SHOVEL, TAXED YOUR ASSES, RAISED THE PRICE OF CAMELS, AND MORTGAGED YOUR PROMISED LAND.

I WAS SO DEPRESSED LAST NIGHT THINKING ABOUT THE HEALTH CARE POLICIES, THE ECONOMY, THE WARS, LOST JOBS, SAVING SOCIAL SECURITY RETIREMENT FUNDS, ETC.  I CALLED A SUICIDE HOT LINE.  I HAD TO PRESS 1 FOR ENGLISH.  I WAS CONNECTED TO A CALL CENTER IN PAKISTAN.  I TOLD THEM I WAS SUICIDAL. THEY GOT EXCITED AND ASKED IF I COULD DRIVE A TRUCK....

FOLKS WERE SCREWED......

KissMyAss

A married couple have never fought in 25 years.  When a friend asked how they make it possible, the husband answered.
"We went to Shimla for our honeymoon.  While horse riding, my wife's horse jumped and my wife fell off.  She got up, patted the horse and said 'This is your first time.'    After a while it happened again, and she said 'This is your second time'.   And when it happened the third time, she got out a gun, and shot the horse."
The friend looked at the husband, clearly shocked.   The husband continued "I shouted at her saying 'You psycho b#t#h, you just killed that horse!'   She gave me a grave look, and said "This is your first time!'  And we've lived happily since then."
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."  -  Bilbo Baggins (at his 111th Birthday party)

socksey

A man walked into his crowded local bar, waved a revolver around and yelled . . .
"Who in here has been sleeping with my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You're gonna’ need more ammo!"


:blink:

socksey



A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior...'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother.  We try to play golf as often as we can.  You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.  'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister.  'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.  'You must tell me all about it!' 'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it.  The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother.  'How unfortunate!  But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister.  'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister.  'And I was so proud of myself!  And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 'You missed the f***n' putt, didn't you?

socksey



Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22″ was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

socksey

The Afghan Quarterback...

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States, teaches him the great game of football and the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, says the old Muslim woman."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!"



socksey

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

socksey

Together at last


Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children. Then Ted died of Heart Disease.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Again Judy remarried, and this time she & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"

Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

socksey

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane.The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!"

The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!"Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.

Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!"

The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"

stiefnu

A Yorkshire love story

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones
wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even
greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Yorkshire
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that  he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the
table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......

'Get off' . she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

stog

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?







A widow!

socksey

 :lol:

Definition of the word "coincidence"


A chicken farmer went to the local bar, sat down next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".

"What a coincidence" said the farmer, who added. "It is a special day for me...I'm celebrating".

"It is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating" said the woman.

"What a coincidence" said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man asked. "What are you celebrating"?

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant".

"What a coincidence" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

"This is awesome" said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster" the farmer said.




The woman smiled and said. "What a coincidence." =

socksey



A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor.

He had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The man responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden, naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,

"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

socksey

#101

Irish golfer


A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.  Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize."
And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.  "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by and the golfer is back.  On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers.  "I'm an internationally famous golfer now."  He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states.  "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.  How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?" responds the Leprechaun in shock.  "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

socksey

Why Ethel Changed Motels

Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 60th birthday and she was
a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see
advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy
calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome
man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair,
long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs
and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well
oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody
will ever know.  I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!   Afraid she would lose her nerve if she
hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear
you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and
give me one.  No, wait, I should be straight
with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.  I want
it hot, and I want it now.  Bring implements,
toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of
tricks.   We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me
up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and
everything, I'm ready!!   Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for
an outside line."

KissMyAss

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man.

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life," St. Peter informed him.

"Where's Obama's clock?"

"His clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."  -  Bilbo Baggins (at his 111th Birthday party)

socksey


Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

socksey

Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"

socksey


A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning and it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished. But, amazingly, neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any"?

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."


KissMyAss

Little Johnny was sitting in his classroom when his teacher asks what sounds animals make. First the teacher asks,"what sound does a cow make?" Susie raises her hand and says moo. "Good job susie" says the teacher. Then she asks what sound does a duck make? Billy raises his hand and says quack. Next the teacher asks what sound a pig makes. Little Johnny raises his hand and says," Get your black ass out the car, put your hands above your head, and spread your legs!"
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."  -  Bilbo Baggins (at his 111th Birthday party)

KissMyAss

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."  -  Bilbo Baggins (at his 111th Birthday party)

socksey

Merry Christmas,

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage,  I don't know what the hell to do with it.



Merry Christmas .... Dr. CHG

stiefnu

#110
Why I'm Divorced – A modern fairy tale

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

on the couch....

naked.

KissMyAss

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans... walk into a very fine restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group... "You can't come in here without a Thai. "
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."  -  Bilbo Baggins (at his 111th Birthday party)

stog


socksey

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying
'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are
deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year
or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you
never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

socksey


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

socksey

A man received message from his neighbor ... :

"Sorry sir, I am using your wife...I am a user day and night ...I am a user when you are not present at home....In fact I am a user more than you are using.....

I confess this because now I feel very much guilt...

Hope you will accept my sincere apologies "

... And the man immediately shot his wife.

A few minutes later he received another message :

Sorry sir, spelling mistake ... wifi not wife.

Don

socksey


I Think You're The Father of One of My Kids...'

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the
pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.



stiefnu

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 am and asked where he was going at that time of night.

He replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

socksey

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and
guided me into a room, his room. 

Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He
approached me soundlessly from behind, and spoke
in a low, reassuring voice close to  my ear, "Just relax".

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his
strong, calloused hands start at my  ankles, gently
probing and moving upward along my calves, slowly but
steadily, my breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be
afraid, but somehow I didn't care.  His touch was
so experienced, so  sure. When his hands moved up onto
my thighs, I gave a slight shudder,  and partly closed
my eyes.

I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And
then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I
inhaled  sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he
wanted, he brought his hands to my  shoulders, slid
them down my tingling spine.  Although I knew nothing
about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is
a man, I  thought, a man used to taking charge. A man
not used to taking 'No' for an answer.  A man
who would tell me  what he wanted.  A man who
would look into my soul and say…










































"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now".....


socksey


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the 2nd mom, Ann and said, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the 3rd mom, Joyce. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the 4th mother, Alice, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, ....."Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

socksey

The Miracle

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise
for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. ​ She said, "I have a praise. Two months
ago, my​ ​husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely
crushed.  The pain was ​excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." 
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the
pain that poor Phil must have experienced. ..."Phil was unable ​to hold me or the children,"
she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."  We prayed as the doctors
performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the
crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
​ 
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

socksey



Jewish Pilot and Chinese Co-Pilot:

The Air Canada plane leaves  Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.

It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese...'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the

captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg... all ***in same.'





socksey

Chicago


Last night I was driving and listening to a call-in program on W.G.N. in Chicago.... People were calling in, very upset, about the goat's head that was sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field....

Then some guy called in from Indiana and said,

"Why are you people so upset 'cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field...? Aren't you Chicagoans the same guys who sent a horse's ass to the White House...?"

I laughed so hard I almost ran off the road...!