Socksey's Proper and Improper Jokes

[socksey]

The Miracle

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise
for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. ​ She said, "I have a praise. Two months
ago, my​ ​husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely
crushed.  The pain was ​excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." 
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the
pain that poor Phil must have experienced. ..."Phil was unable ​to hold me or the children,"
she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."  We prayed as the doctors
performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the
crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
​ 
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[socksey]

Jewish Pilot and Chinese Co-Pilot:

The Air Canada plane leaves  Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.

It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese...'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the

captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg... all ***in same.'

[socksey]

Chicago


Last night I was driving and listening to a call-in program on W.G.N. in Chicago.... People were calling in, very upset, about the goat's head that was sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field....

Then some guy called in from Indiana and said,

"Why are you people so upset 'cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field...? Aren't you Chicagoans the same guys who sent a horse's ass to the White House...?"

I laughed so hard I almost ran off the road...!