Dear Red States

[sixty_something]

fivethirtyeight.com

Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving.

We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.  In case you aren't aware, that includes California , Nevada , Hawaii , Oregon , Washington , New Mexico , Colorado,  Iowa, Minnesota , Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Virginia, and all the Northeast.

It may also include North Carolina. Missouri and Omaha, Nebraska, seriously considering joining us. Even Alaska expressed an interest, but you can have Sarah. We've given them until tomorrow to decide. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country. Since we're dropping most of the middle states we're calling it United America, or simply the U.A. - not to be confused with the Unversity or Alabama.

You get Texas except for Austin, the Kerrville Folk Festival ranch, Willie's house, and a guy called sixty_something. You can have Oklahoma, but we want socksey. You get Alabama and most of the old slave states, but we may kidnap johnwayne as there is some hope for him yet.  We also want New Orleans since you have long ago abandoned her. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. You can take Ted Nugent and Hank Williams, Jr. We're keeping Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Billy Joel, Jimmy Buffet, and Willie Nelson. Any other musicians who have ever played at Kerrville are also welcomed. You get whatever is left of WorldCom and Enron. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get Ole' Miss.  We get Harvard and 85 % of America 's venture capital and entrepreneurs. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 % lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms, and the highest concentration of pregnant unwed teenagers.

Please be aware that the U.A. will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.

We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, really we do, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire. We'd rather spend it on taking care of sick people, and educating our children.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 % of the country's fresh water, more than 90 % of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 % of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 % of America's quality wines, 90 % of all cheese, 90 % of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 % of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 % of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 % of the tornadoes, over 50 % of the hurricanes, 99 % of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 % of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite , thank you very much.

Additionally, 38 % of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 % believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 % say that evolution is only a theory, 53 % that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 % of you crazy Redies believe you are people with higher morals then we Bluies.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.


Peace out,

Blue States

[socksey]

sixty_something for president!   

socksey



"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle." - Winston Churchill

[jackdaddy]

Sixty, can you include Ausitn as well? I'd like to keep the SXSW and Austin City Music festivals as well.

[sixty_something]

got'cha covered jackdaddy .. see paragraph three


"If the way Austin is going makes you mad, don't get even. Get odd."
-- Dr. George Greer